2012.

This boy.

Before Ava, Bentlee was my snuggle bug. He was always there on the couch with me or at my feet in bed. Ever since she has arrived though, the dynamic has obviously changed a bit.

Last night I was lying on the floor watching t.v. when he came over and practically tried to lay on top of me. He settled for right beside me and snored there for about 20 minutes. It made me smile.

It was nice to see that he still loves his mama because I've really been missing this.

This Christmas.

-- Christmas Eve, like every year was spent with the Frakes side of the family and Christmas day was spent with mine. We went to Aunt Tammy's this year and had a perfect night with everyone. There is just something about all of those little cousins running around together that makes my heart melt. Watching them all interact and open gifts was pretty special.

-- Ava was up all day with only a morning nap but did AMAZING. She even tried to open a present or two but of course the best part for her was the paper - eating it preferably.

-- WE had to wake the kids up on Christmas morning which was crazy. Santa played a mean trick on them by bringing them coal. Inside was a note telling them to "be better next year" with a small message at the bottom of the page explaining that the elves thought it would be funny and that their gifts were under the tree. It was pretty cruel, but they handled it like champs and were excited to find brand new Android tablets wrapped for them.

-- I forgot my camera at Tammy's house the night before so only have crappy phone photos of Christmas morning. (Still a little peeved at myself about this one.)

-- On Christmas day Ava was trying to play catch up on her sleep from the day before and had 4 naps total. I had to open most of her gifts from my parents to her, because she wasn't awake long enough to really be a part of it. This was also he first year that my brother wasn't with us. He had plans with Gregory and his family so they were missed.

-- The kids made out (like always) and I'm still trying to find space for all of their new stuff. Currently? Most of Ava's new toys litter the living room floor. Finding space for all of it is going to be a challenge.

Chistmas, check.
On to the NEW YEAR.

My monster.

Ava and her obsession with the Christmas tree is enough to drive me crazy. I can't keep the girl out from underneath it.

She is pretty lucky that she is so dang cute because it's the only thing that is saving her.

Madness.

The events in the last week have left me wounded. I have so many emotions that are overwhelming me. Sadness, disbelief, anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, the list goes on.

Trying to wrap my head around such an unthinkable act of violence is absolutely impossible. Having to try and explain to my children why someone would do something like this is beyond heartbreaking, especially when I don't have the answer. Trying to reassure them that nothing like this will ever happen to them, when in my heart knowing that I can't really promise that.

I have been praying for the families that have lost their precious babies way too soon. My heart breaks for them. I find myself tearing up as I type this because the thought of losing my kids, in any way especially a violent one like this is my absolute worst fear.

I am so angry with the media and can't even have the news on anymore. The way that they talk about the shooter and continue to plaster him all over the screen angers me. I find myself flipping through my news feed on Facebook as fast as I can, trying to avoid all of the postings that remind me of that horrible day. Every time I see a picture of one of those sweet and innocent faces, my mind goes back. I am so sick of hearing about gun control and I would like to rip the head off of the next person that says that 'guns are the problem.'

Why can't we just come together as a nation and grieve for these families without voicing our opinions at the top of our lungs?

I am trying my hardest to not be fearful but I am struggling. I find myself nervous when I am at the grocery store, nervous when walking into a mall, and scared out of my damn mind when I drop Kaylee and Layton off at school. I squeeze them twice (or more) and kiss them like crazy before they get out of the car. My heart literally hurts as I watch them walk through the doors and I want to cry as I drive home.

Why? That's the question that I can't answer. Why? 

As a mother it is my natural instinct to do all that I can to protect what I helped to create and when I feel like I can't - it's devastating.

RIP to the lives lost that day and may time help to heal the many hearts that were affected by this horrific event.

Mine, included.

They see me rollin'.

We had our first mishap this evening since Ava has started rolling over. Layton was playing with her and left her a little too close to the edge of the bed. 

I caught her, breaking her fall. [Yep, my spidey-instincts totally kicked in when I saw her going over from across the room.] But, it did scare the crap out of all of us including Ava - who cried for forever afterwards. 

Luckily, all she got from it though were 2 red marks on her nose and myself? Oh, just a few (more) gray hairs.

And. it's (almost) a wrap!

I'm nearing the finish line for the most daunting task of preparing for Christmas. Hallelujah.

I am so close to being completely done with wrapping presents and I am more than thrilled. I seriously have a love/hate relationship with gift wrapping. It takes too much patience and I get bored... fast. I have spent this past week trying to do a little a day and I have about 10 more to go and then I am totally finished.

On a happier note (and the thing that makes it more than worth it) is that the kids are beyond excited as we get closer to the 25th. Even Ava is super interested in the new 'toys' under the tree. She has ripped off two bows, almost eaten a gift tag and poked a hole in one of her presents. She's no dummy, she knows there is something important in there.

The 7 month old.

This girl of ours is getting so big so fast. I was just telling Lee that I cannot believe how much she has changed development-wise in the last month. It blows my mind.

-- She is on the move and into EVERYTHING. She loves the Christmas tree and all of the ornaments that dangle from it. She loves the buttons on the sound system, the picture frames that sit on the bottom shelf of our T.V. stand and the bin full of shoes that sit by the door. Those? She enjoys putting in her mouth. Yep, keeping up with her is exhausting.

-- We changed her car seat a few weeks ago and she now sits in the cart when we shop. I hook my keys in front of her for her to play with and she is good to go.

-- She waves all the time. Anytime someone says "hi" or "bye" she waves. She waves at herself, she waves in the mirror, she waves at her toys. The kid loves to wave and it's adorable.

-- I had to go out and stock up on warm leggings because she will not keep her socks on. It was driving me insane. I have lost the matches to at least 5 pairs and her feet would always be freezing. I would walk around the grocery store with her in the basket just knowing that people were judging me and thinking 'that baby should have socks on with how cold it is today.' Auntie Becca even gave her a Christmas present early - a cute pair of slipper socks that are warm and actually stay on her feet. They're my favorite.

-- She is eating meals like a champ now and most days - prefers my food over hers. The other night I made fresh green beans and pureed hers. She wasn't having it. I offered her mine just mashed up and she ate all of them. She knows what's up.

-- Her sleeping schedule is still whack. Some nights she sleeps okay. Others, it's down right awful. She has started rolling over in her sleep and most of the time it wakes her up and pisses her off but the last two mornings I have peeked in on her to find her snoozing on her tummy. I'm trying to convince myself that she will not suffocate. It's been a challenge.

-- Her giggles are hilarious. It's almost like she is holding in a big belly laugh every time. I can't wait until she just cracks up.

-- She has figured out how the bath plug works and is obsessed with pulling it. The other night she let out her water 3 times. She will pull it, and then place her hand over the drain and laugh. I'm guessing it tickles. She then enjoys feeling the water with her hands as it pours out of the spout to refill the tub.

-- Unfortunately, this little girl already has 'tude. She has started shaking her head 'no' and at first I figured she had no clue as to what it meant, but I'm starting to think she does. When I say 'no', she shakes her head. When she's mad, she shakes her head. The latest? If she's upset with me she will scream, close her eyes like she is squinting and... yep, shake her head.

-- After bath time every night, she fusses until I let her hold her hairbrush (she loves her hairbrush) but as soon as I take it away - that wonderful little attitude comes out. Mmm hmm, we are for sure in trouble with this one.

Lately.

-- Karen and Lester now live in Keizer and it's nice to have them so close. Lee helped to get them moved over the weekend and I have spent a little time over there the last couple of days helping unpack boxes for Karen since she can't do it herself due to her knee surgery. Last night, I even ran them over some leftover spaghetti after I made dinner. (I sure hope that we don't drive them crazy now that they are less than a mile away.) Ha!

-- Christmas is approaching fast and I am happy to report that the tree is up, the house is decorated, cards are almost ready to be mailed and our shopping is half done. I dread however, the wrapping that I need to start next week. The absolute WORST part of the holidays in my opinion.

-- I have been planning my Grandma's memorial service and going through tons of pictures to put together her memory board. Wow, that has been an experience. I've laughed, cried, and wondered 'what was my mom thinking making me wear that?' many times during the process.

-- Well, it's official folks. I am finally getting that half-sleeve that I have wanted for 4 years. I sent my list of ideas to the tattoo artist and she is drawing it up for me this week. We will start it in the beginning of January and I am beyond stoked to see my 'vision' through her artwork. I cannot wait to have it on my skin.

-- We have new neighbors next door (that don't seem so friendly) but they have the most adorable dog. Unfortunately, they leave him out ALL the time and his barking at night is enough to drive me crazy. I feel bad for him, and pissed at them. If it continues, and it results in waking Ava up one more time - I am so calling the cops.

The blur.

I got news last Sunday that my Grandma Lucky had suddenly passed on. And, when I say suddenly - I mean that in every sense of the word. There was no warning, no preparing myself, nothing. Just bam, and she was gone.

I have been trying to grasp that fact for days now and most days I feel okay, but there are moments every day where it will hit me all over again, that she isn't here anymore. Normally, it's at the most random times. When I am driving in the car, straightening my hair, or when I am grocery shopping. It's hard for me to convince myself and accept that she will never call me again to check on the kids or to see how my day is going. Never again will we chat about the sermon that she heard on Sunday at her church, never again will I  hear her laugh. It's a hard thing to get used to.

Her death is the first time that I have ever mourned like this. She practically raised me so it cuts so deep. I just don't understand.

I have said many times in the past week about how thankful I am to have traveled to Texas last month to visit her. She died exactly 1 month to the day.

We have been planning a memorial for her and with that comes many memories, heartache, sadness, joy, and a lot of grief wrapped up into it all. It's overwhelming.

I'm grateful for my friends and my family. It feels amazing to have so many people around to lean on during this time. In a sense, I feel like her passing has brought us all closer together, and to me at least a little good can come from something like this. I know that she is smiling down and proud of us all. 

I'll miss her, forever.

These two.

I got out my camera the other night to capture the interaction between Ava and Bentlee. They love each other equally and I just love to watch them.

This last one made me laugh. It's like she is saying: 'um, lady? Do you ever put that thing down?'

[P.S. and the answer is: 'No kiddo, I really don't. So you better get used to it.]

Rainy day in.

We have been having full blown Oregon weather today.
The rain has been falling and the wind has been blowing all day long.
Ava and I have enjoyed looking out the window and listening to it as it slaps against the glass.
Perfect day if you ask us.

#12.

Here is to the next 12... and the many more that follow.
Love this husband of mine.

The wave.

We have been practicing for weeks and I'm convinced that she finally gets it.
Anytime anyone says "hi" or "bye-bye" to Ava, she now opens and closes her chubby little hand. I still have to help her hold it up but she does the rest.
Today, I even watched her in her jumper wave to herself for a few minutes. It was the cutest.

And, it's a wrap.

Football is officially over for this season and honestly? It was a tough one.

We didn't win more than one game and we struggled to connect as a team. But, in the end, Layton had fun. I mean, he truly had a good time and to me - that means something.

Last year, he got to be part of a team that stomped everyone we went up against. He got to have the feeling of excitement and pride. This year he got to experience how it felt to lose (which to me, is just as important.) He had a few "I wish we would have won moments" but for the most part stayed positive with an attitude of we can't win them all.

I am glad that he got something out of it. I want my kids to learn and know that life is full of ups, downs, winning and losing. It's not about how many games you win but instead about how many games you give your all for. You do your best and that's all you can do. I'm glad that he could walk away from this humbled and still be excited for next year.

It's a life lesson he learned early and I think he will be a better person because of it. Sometimes? The loser comes out the winner. It's all about perspective.

I'm very proud of my boy and our entire Mighty Might team this year.
Way to go GREY CELTS!