Madness.

The events in the last week have left me wounded. I have so many emotions that are overwhelming me. Sadness, disbelief, anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, the list goes on.

Trying to wrap my head around such an unthinkable act of violence is absolutely impossible. Having to try and explain to my children why someone would do something like this is beyond heartbreaking, especially when I don't have the answer. Trying to reassure them that nothing like this will ever happen to them, when in my heart knowing that I can't really promise that.

I have been praying for the families that have lost their precious babies way too soon. My heart breaks for them. I find myself tearing up as I type this because the thought of losing my kids, in any way especially a violent one like this is my absolute worst fear.

I am so angry with the media and can't even have the news on anymore. The way that they talk about the shooter and continue to plaster him all over the screen angers me. I find myself flipping through my news feed on Facebook as fast as I can, trying to avoid all of the postings that remind me of that horrible day. Every time I see a picture of one of those sweet and innocent faces, my mind goes back. I am so sick of hearing about gun control and I would like to rip the head off of the next person that says that 'guns are the problem.'

Why can't we just come together as a nation and grieve for these families without voicing our opinions at the top of our lungs?

I am trying my hardest to not be fearful but I am struggling. I find myself nervous when I am at the grocery store, nervous when walking into a mall, and scared out of my damn mind when I drop Kaylee and Layton off at school. I squeeze them twice (or more) and kiss them like crazy before they get out of the car. My heart literally hurts as I watch them walk through the doors and I want to cry as I drive home.

Why? That's the question that I can't answer. Why? 

As a mother it is my natural instinct to do all that I can to protect what I helped to create and when I feel like I can't - it's devastating.

RIP to the lives lost that day and may time help to heal the many hearts that were affected by this horrific event.

Mine, included.