The news.

I was speechless.
I imagined this moment over and over in my head.
Imagined the joy I would feel.
Imagined the relief.
Imagined the excitement.
The nervousness.
But, as I stood there and stared at those 2 pink lines, I couldn't even speak. Hell, I could barely process it.

After trying on and off for the last 3 years and suffering two losses, I had finally started to accept the painful fact that another baby was probably just not in the cards for us.

I sat in my car a few months ago with Becca pouring my heart out to her. Expressing all of my anger and my emotions. Trying to process everything and not understanding when it got so damn hard to get pregnant.
I remember her saying to me: "Have you ever just told yourself that it might not happen"? That was hard to hear, but something that needed to be said. (May I add that I love this girl? She just gets me and is the one person who will shoot it to me straight. Always. I really don't know what I would do without her.) So, after my much needed (and overdue) meltdown. I started to look at it all in another way. I started to look at life a little different. I told myself that I needed to stop living in the past and instead focus on the now. As corny as it sounds I kinda just let it go. I was more than exhausted from trying to have control over everything that happened.

Now, when I say this - it's not like I turned off a switch and it all went away. Please. I wish it were that easy.
But, I did relax a little. I started thinking about it a little less and looking at the 2 amazing kids I did have and finally accepted that if I never had another at least I was lucky enough to have them in my life. I knew I was one lucky lady to be able to call them mine.

I made an appointment with my doctor for the 20th of this month and Lee and I had (almost) decided to stop trying all together. We felt like we gave it a good shot and it just wasn't in our future.

Then? I was late.

All of those feeling came bubbling back up - but this time in the back of my mind. I just told myself: It's going to be negative. It's always negative.
I have become a pro on peeing on a stick too let me tell you . This girl doesn't even need to read the directions anymore.
So, one morning I woke up and tested (like I have done 50 times before) and set it on the bathroom counter.
I went to do the dishes and came back to toss it in the trash.

I stood there for at least a minute and then had to sit down on the floor while I stared at it for another one.
I seriously couldn't believe what I was seeing.

From the get-go, this pregnancy has been different. I've had all the symptoms. The sickness, the tiredness, the moodiness. Everything has started out just as it should be. We were even lucky enough to get to see the little bean on ultrasound this week, and that little heartbeat? Oh, it was the sweetest sound. Ever.

I feel so blessed to have been given another chance at motherhood.
I feel with all of my heart that this time? Everything really is going to be okay.