2012.

This boy.

Before Ava, Bentlee was my snuggle bug. He was always there on the couch with me or at my feet in bed. Ever since she has arrived though, the dynamic has obviously changed a bit.

Last night I was lying on the floor watching t.v. when he came over and practically tried to lay on top of me. He settled for right beside me and snored there for about 20 minutes. It made me smile.

It was nice to see that he still loves his mama because I've really been missing this.

This Christmas.

-- Christmas Eve, like every year was spent with the Frakes side of the family and Christmas day was spent with mine. We went to Aunt Tammy's this year and had a perfect night with everyone. There is just something about all of those little cousins running around together that makes my heart melt. Watching them all interact and open gifts was pretty special.

-- Ava was up all day with only a morning nap but did AMAZING. She even tried to open a present or two but of course the best part for her was the paper - eating it preferably.

-- WE had to wake the kids up on Christmas morning which was crazy. Santa played a mean trick on them by bringing them coal. Inside was a note telling them to "be better next year" with a small message at the bottom of the page explaining that the elves thought it would be funny and that their gifts were under the tree. It was pretty cruel, but they handled it like champs and were excited to find brand new Android tablets wrapped for them.

-- I forgot my camera at Tammy's house the night before so only have crappy phone photos of Christmas morning. (Still a little peeved at myself about this one.)

-- On Christmas day Ava was trying to play catch up on her sleep from the day before and had 4 naps total. I had to open most of her gifts from my parents to her, because she wasn't awake long enough to really be a part of it. This was also he first year that my brother wasn't with us. He had plans with Gregory and his family so they were missed.

-- The kids made out (like always) and I'm still trying to find space for all of their new stuff. Currently? Most of Ava's new toys litter the living room floor. Finding space for all of it is going to be a challenge.

Chistmas, check.
On to the NEW YEAR.

My monster.

Ava and her obsession with the Christmas tree is enough to drive me crazy. I can't keep the girl out from underneath it.

She is pretty lucky that she is so dang cute because it's the only thing that is saving her.

Madness.

The events in the last week have left me wounded. I have so many emotions that are overwhelming me. Sadness, disbelief, anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, the list goes on.

Trying to wrap my head around such an unthinkable act of violence is absolutely impossible. Having to try and explain to my children why someone would do something like this is beyond heartbreaking, especially when I don't have the answer. Trying to reassure them that nothing like this will ever happen to them, when in my heart knowing that I can't really promise that.

I have been praying for the families that have lost their precious babies way too soon. My heart breaks for them. I find myself tearing up as I type this because the thought of losing my kids, in any way especially a violent one like this is my absolute worst fear.

I am so angry with the media and can't even have the news on anymore. The way that they talk about the shooter and continue to plaster him all over the screen angers me. I find myself flipping through my news feed on Facebook as fast as I can, trying to avoid all of the postings that remind me of that horrible day. Every time I see a picture of one of those sweet and innocent faces, my mind goes back. I am so sick of hearing about gun control and I would like to rip the head off of the next person that says that 'guns are the problem.'

Why can't we just come together as a nation and grieve for these families without voicing our opinions at the top of our lungs?

I am trying my hardest to not be fearful but I am struggling. I find myself nervous when I am at the grocery store, nervous when walking into a mall, and scared out of my damn mind when I drop Kaylee and Layton off at school. I squeeze them twice (or more) and kiss them like crazy before they get out of the car. My heart literally hurts as I watch them walk through the doors and I want to cry as I drive home.

Why? That's the question that I can't answer. Why? 

As a mother it is my natural instinct to do all that I can to protect what I helped to create and when I feel like I can't - it's devastating.

RIP to the lives lost that day and may time help to heal the many hearts that were affected by this horrific event.

Mine, included.

They see me rollin'.

We had our first mishap this evening since Ava has started rolling over. Layton was playing with her and left her a little too close to the edge of the bed. 

I caught her, breaking her fall. [Yep, my spidey-instincts totally kicked in when I saw her going over from across the room.] But, it did scare the crap out of all of us including Ava - who cried for forever afterwards. 

Luckily, all she got from it though were 2 red marks on her nose and myself? Oh, just a few (more) gray hairs.

And. it's (almost) a wrap!

I'm nearing the finish line for the most daunting task of preparing for Christmas. Hallelujah.

I am so close to being completely done with wrapping presents and I am more than thrilled. I seriously have a love/hate relationship with gift wrapping. It takes too much patience and I get bored... fast. I have spent this past week trying to do a little a day and I have about 10 more to go and then I am totally finished.

On a happier note (and the thing that makes it more than worth it) is that the kids are beyond excited as we get closer to the 25th. Even Ava is super interested in the new 'toys' under the tree. She has ripped off two bows, almost eaten a gift tag and poked a hole in one of her presents. She's no dummy, she knows there is something important in there.