Pumpkins.

My least favorite thing to do during fall? Carve pumpkins.
The kids' favorite thing to do during fall? Carve pumpkins.
Who wins? DUH.

I must say though that this year was the first year that they weren't sick of it within 10 minutes.

Usually the project ends with Lee and I finishing their pumpkins, and I was really dreading it since he was at work on the day we decided to do them - thinking that I would be sitting at the table an hour later carving 2 pumpkins by myself.

Not the case. They stuck it out the whole time.

Yay for independent kiddos.

Project: Add-on.

So, it's official. We will be doing an add-on to the house starting next month. Time to make a little room for this bun in the oven.

I plan on taking pictures this time (unlike when we remodled the entire place last year) and I will keep everyone posted.

The idea is to convert the garage into a room for Kaylee, and build a hallway attatching it to the house.
I am awful at visualizing things so I have to believe Lee when he tells me it will look awesome.
Afterall, the guy hasn't failed me yet.

Stay tuned.....

Missing me.

The last month or so has been a doozy. I feel like I have turned into a constant complainer.
Sometimes I wonder if all of the people around me just wish I would just shut up already.

Morning sickness has been kicking my ass. Plain & simple.
Because of this everything that needs to be done around me has been pushed to the back burner.
The house has been totalled, laundry goes un-touched for days, I haven't cooked a full meal for the family in FOREVER, and just driving to and from school to deliver and retrieve the kids can be a daunting task.

I manage to get grocery shopping done, and I haven't missed a practice of Layton's or a football game to date (which makes me feel pretty good) Most days I wish I could just curl up and die.

I have been noticing a few "breaks" in the day as of lately, moments where I actually stop for a sec and think to myself 'hey, I kinda feel okay right now' - so I am hoping that this is a sign for the upcoming weeks. I seriously hope that there is some light at the end of this tunnel.

I almost feel that by bitching so often that I may actually jinx myself into something bad happening (dumb I know) but, it has crossed my mind.

I keep teling Lee that if these first couple months are any indication on what this little being growing inside me is gonna be like when it gets here... we just may be in for it.

-- I also noticed on Wednesday after putting on a pair of jeans (the first pair in weeks - since I LIVE in sweats now) that they were not wanting to button [I got them, but it was a challenge - next week, I probably won't be so lucky.] I joked around about it, like seriously... already? But, I must admit - I am a little excited about that. The fact that they won't button means that this little baby  is growing... and how can I really complain about that?

The life-long roomate.

Layton had a rough time falling asleep the other night.
He came into my room and broke down in tears.
When I asked him what was wrong he just says: "Mommy? I never want to grow up."
When I asked him why he said it was because he never wanted to leave me and his Dad.

Well, of course it melted my heart and then it made me laugh.
I tried to explain to him that someday his oppinion would change but for now it might seem a little scary, which is totally normal.
I also explained to him that Lee and myself went through the same thing at some stage in our lives, and we clearly got passed it.
He wasn't convinced.

After tucking him in twice (and him ending up back in my room needing tissues) I thought that maybe I should try a different approach.
I scooped him up and made him a promise.

Me: Okay Lay, I will make you a deal. You can live here forever, okay? Mommy and Daddy will never make you move out. Ever. And if someday, you decide you do want to leave, then we will be okay with that too, but it will be totally up to you. Okay?
Layton: Really? Well what if I get married? Can my wife live here too? and my kids?
Me: Ummmm...... sure?
Layton: Okay, well deal. Oh, but don't worry I will get a job... and pay rent, k mom?
[OMG. Could he be any CUTER!?]
Me: Alrighty, that works.

And after that conversation (and a little reassurance) the boy was out within minutes.

I decided to call Lee and we laughed about it together, but then we thought: Oh crap. What if he really chooses to live here forever?

Afterall, I did make a promise and this kid is known for remembering EVERYTHING.
Oh, boy.....

The news.

I was speechless.
I imagined this moment over and over in my head.
Imagined the joy I would feel.
Imagined the relief.
Imagined the excitement.
The nervousness.
But, as I stood there and stared at those 2 pink lines, I couldn't even speak. Hell, I could barely process it.

After trying on and off for the last 3 years and suffering two losses, I had finally started to accept the painful fact that another baby was probably just not in the cards for us.

I sat in my car a few months ago with Becca pouring my heart out to her. Expressing all of my anger and my emotions. Trying to process everything and not understanding when it got so damn hard to get pregnant.
I remember her saying to me: "Have you ever just told yourself that it might not happen"? That was hard to hear, but something that needed to be said. (May I add that I love this girl? She just gets me and is the one person who will shoot it to me straight. Always. I really don't know what I would do without her.) So, after my much needed (and overdue) meltdown. I started to look at it all in another way. I started to look at life a little different. I told myself that I needed to stop living in the past and instead focus on the now. As corny as it sounds I kinda just let it go. I was more than exhausted from trying to have control over everything that happened.

Now, when I say this - it's not like I turned off a switch and it all went away. Please. I wish it were that easy.
But, I did relax a little. I started thinking about it a little less and looking at the 2 amazing kids I did have and finally accepted that if I never had another at least I was lucky enough to have them in my life. I knew I was one lucky lady to be able to call them mine.

I made an appointment with my doctor for the 20th of this month and Lee and I had (almost) decided to stop trying all together. We felt like we gave it a good shot and it just wasn't in our future.

Then? I was late.

All of those feeling came bubbling back up - but this time in the back of my mind. I just told myself: It's going to be negative. It's always negative.
I have become a pro on peeing on a stick too let me tell you . This girl doesn't even need to read the directions anymore.
So, one morning I woke up and tested (like I have done 50 times before) and set it on the bathroom counter.
I went to do the dishes and came back to toss it in the trash.

I stood there for at least a minute and then had to sit down on the floor while I stared at it for another one.
I seriously couldn't believe what I was seeing.

From the get-go, this pregnancy has been different. I've had all the symptoms. The sickness, the tiredness, the moodiness. Everything has started out just as it should be. We were even lucky enough to get to see the little bean on ultrasound this week, and that little heartbeat? Oh, it was the sweetest sound. Ever.

I feel so blessed to have been given another chance at motherhood.
I feel with all of my heart that this time? Everything really is going to be okay.

Happiness.

Is watching my favorite boy and his cute little team kick some butt on the football field (while capturing it all with my camera.)

Awkward.

THIS SHOW has to be the coolest (and newest) one on MTV right now.
[Oh and Sarah? If you haven't already checked this one out, you MUST.]
It's pure awesome-ness.